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This isn’t even everything.

Donald Trump, a known felon and proven rapist, was elected president (possibly with stolen and falsified votes but le shrug I guess) after a brief few months of joy and hope for Vice President Kamala Harris’ supporters to come in clutch and elect our first female and black and Asian president ever. But, no. We got Dumpface McGee and his weird creepy pull string doll for white Christian cult apologists, aka JD Vance the couch fucker.

Amongst the junk drawer that is his cabinet and appointees, we have Elon Musk, for some reason? Heading up fucking DOGE (Department of Government Efficiency, and yes, that is real). He celebrated being included at the mean kids’ table by throwing a Nazi salute and never claiming it was not. Trump voters tried to say it was a Roman salute, or better yet, he was saying, “my heart goes out to you”. No it doesn’t.

RFK, whose brain is currently and tragically being eaten by a worm? Or if it isn’t, he, ironically, received medical care to stop that. And now he will be heading up healthcare for the country and trying to keep it away from people. I am not against sick people using their knowledge for good. RFK has neither knowledge nor a desire to get it. He is a known Nazi sympathizer, an unapologetic flip flopper, and now espouses his desire for the following things, in no particular order:

1) healthcare is not a human right, and is instead, “complicated”

2) black and brown people need less vaccines and less often, because their “blood is different”

3) every abortion is a tragedy and no abortions should ever happen ever.

Thing 1 is actually not complex and is very straightforward in being a basic human need for LIFE. Thing 3 is actually a bit complex, seeing as how abortion can indeed end a human baby’s life and I hate that. It can also refer to evacuating an already dead child from a living mother’s body so that SHE does not die or go septic and then die. It can also refer to care for endometriosis. It can also refer to a miscarriage. It can mean so many things and very very rarely, I feel and I believe I have found, is it truly a decision made by irresponsible women who want to keep partying.

Thing 2 is an outright admission to being a fucking racist.

The inauguration (which was held indoors because it was too cold for the poor little orange guy) was attended by not one but several billionaires and heads of tech companies, and was uninterrupted by any assassination attempts, although a mic did give some alarming feedback immediately after he was sworn in (without putting his hand on the Bible, so does it count?). Many Trump supporters spent a lot of their own hard-earned money to see the inauguration, traditionally held outside, and ended up being turned away. Good job standing up for the little guy, Mr.somehow-still-seen-as-a-Washington-outsider.

Anyhoo. The inauguration happened and there have been SO. MANY. EXECUTIVE. ORDERS. It is literally so difficult to keep track of or remember all of them. Let’s seeeeeeeeeeee.

Apparently there are only two officially recognized genders in the US now and a stop on changing gender markers, EVEN IF IT IS TO CHANGE THE GENDER MARKER BACK TO WHAT WAS ASSIGNED AT BIRTH.

Tariffs on Canada, Mexico, and China go into effect on Tuesday, as high as 25%. Canada released a humbling message in response, reminding the US of all the times they have been there for us, and initiating their own 25% tariff on a lot of US goods.

DEI is being completely dismantled on a federal level, after being cited by uninformed bigots for perpetuating racism and poor decision making, even though DEI was literally set up to combat those exact things and, chiefly, help more white women get into the workforce. A few companies with decent CEOS have stood up and reassured that they are keeping their DEI policies. Facebook has removed monitoring and instead resorted to a “community” style of policing? And have made sure to allow “free speech”, citing a very hateful and sexist and transphobic sentence as speech that should be allowed.

Articles and records of great importance are being taken down from the White House website for not abiding by the “protecting women from transgender ideology” or whatever bullshit name he gave his transphobic policy that essentially is trying to erase transgender people from the earth. Thumbs up, weirdo.

Trump is offering buyouts to federal employees in an attempt to shrink the government, literally what he said he would do in Project 2025, suggesting he only wants a select few “loyal” “appointees” in power alongside him.

Thank God a lot of politicians are fighting like hell against his appointments. However. In a few short days he has managed to destroy a LOT and do EXACTLY what he said he would do in Project 2025.

So congratulations, Trump apologists. You’re now Nazi supporters in the light, terrorist encouragers in the light of day. You are openly racist, openly against anyone different than you.

I was there. I thought I had to vote for him because he was against abortion. I didn’t understand what abortion was. I also didn’t understand the idea of not being a single issue voter. I was uneasy but figured there were safeguards in place, and good people with good intentions, who only wanted to bring love and light into the world, couldn’t possibly recommend a COMPLETE monster, right?

I didn’t cast my vote in 2016 for a COMPLETE monster….right?

Except I did.

And I have regretted it ever since. Now I won’t, I haven’t since. But I did. I am a part of this problem.

And I will be damned if I don’t do everything I can to help stop it.

I get having your head in the sand. It’s hard to believe you were lied to. It’s hard to believe you were so manipulated you put an evil man in office. It’s hard to believe he supports Nazi sympathizers at best. It’s hard to believe you could be manipulated into thinking certain people are the enemy; after all you’re not stupid, right? You’re not being manipulated, you just know these people are more dangerous than others. No, no, it’s not because they’re brown or black or gay or lesbian or transgender. There are just some really bad people who happen to be those things. In fact, it’s always those people. And boy, transgender people aren’t real: you know they’re all really just pedophiles and rapists in disguise. What, trans men exist too? That’s okay, you don’t have to think about that; after all, they’re men so whatever. But think of the WOMEN and the CHILDREN being preyed upon by trans women! Not the cis men who, statistically speaking, are the only ones who are actually hurting men and women. Never mind that you went to my wedding. You know my spouse. You know she is kind and good and has a heart of gold. You know how much she loves me. You know how much I love her. But somehow now that you know she is trans, you think she has been brainwashed, or lump her into the same category as pedophiles, even though our church was full of them.

I am so fucking exhausted. Please, for once, for real, look past your nose and realize that the evil you taught me to fight my whole life is here, at our door, on our stoops, in our highest seats of power. And you are standing there defending it. I am begging you, please see this for what it is. You were manipulated. You are wrong. It sucks, I know.

But it is here. It is not the transgender community you are so afraid of. It is the little orange madman you elected and his Nazi-loving billionaire cronies.

Please wake up. Please fight with me, not against me.

Please stand up for my wife. Please stand up for your daughters. Please stand up for anything other than the propaganda you have been fed.

I am learning more and more to look at the reality of the goodness around me. Like instead of dwelling at “I felt sad after therapy” I COULD focus on: “damn, we’re a good looking couple and I love this man with my whole heart.” You know? The problems in life will find you and you can deal with them then. Don’t let the happiness in life escape you cause you’re trying to solve the problems before they come. For those of you who are offended that I swore: I’m also learning it’s not that big a deal to use my words. And dang just doesn’t do us justice. We are a “daaaaamn” kind of couple.

The rain makes the flowers grow. The rain brings contemplative silence, drenched in the never-ending noise of peace in the form of refreshing water. The rain provides that beautiful scent of fresh soil and new beginnings. The rain brings a cooling space to sit, to breathe the fresh air in deep, to dance in the muddy puddles, to lift your face and feel your soul be cleansed, your heart’s burdens being washed away like leaves on the street. The rain provides the perfect place to kiss your love, the perfect place to walk and think and finally feel like you can just be. The rain brings music to your creative heart, rest to your weary soul. A rainstorm is like a beautiful love letter from your Creator, a playlist somehow just for you, and for all of us at once.

I love the rain.

So often I have seen abusive men in the news. Either they’re getting away with it, or they’re on trial for it. Rape, murder, domestic violence, on and on, all the time, scrolling through the days of my life. When I see these things, I become angry and I become afraid. I don’t want to walk down the wrong alley and end up a victim. Seeing men be monsters makes me afraid to be.

This week the Depp-Heard trial is in full swing, and the “typical” roles are reversed. Amber Heard is the monster. The lawyers have tried to shift the focus to Depp’s drinking or drug use, as if there is some valid reason to be hit, to be treated without decency by your spouse. There is audio of Heard telling Depp she didn’t punch him, she just slapped him, and it didn’t hurt and he’s just being a baby about it. It didn’t upset her, so why did it upset him? Hearing a woman be the monster is terrifying. I have always known men are victims too, and that it is far less reported than women, which is already underreported. But to see one, caught, unashamed and dangerous, is terrifying.

I guess my point is that monster-hood does not discriminate between the sexes. Of course it doesn’t. But seeing women be monsters makes me more aware of my own skin. What do I think is okay? When do I fly to defend my indefensible actions? How often do I act out of selfishness instead of selflessness? I am not saying someone can just “accidentally” hit someone else and oops, didn’t realize that was abuse. What I am saying is consider carefully your words, your intentions, your actions. Don’t assume you’re free from mistakes or causing pain, but keep an open heart to correction and truth, even if it hurts. Even more, consider with weight and belief what the men in your life tell you, just as much as you do with women. This should be common sense, but I don’t think it is. No one wants to be the victim of abuse. So if they’re telling you that they are, or they’re telling you that you hurt them, believe them. Stop. Assess your heart and see what you can do to help. If it’s you doing the hurting, get away from them and get help. If it’s you doing the listening, see how you can get them help. At the very least, be their listening ear, their supportive voice.

It’s hard enough for women to share their stories, to find people who believe them, who support them seeking healing and safety. It’s even harder for men to take the first terrifying step of opening up.

Be Jesus to everyone in your life, my dear. Believe them. Listen to them. Right what wrongs you can. Never assume you could never be the monster, never assume you are never wrong, but instead be actively intentional in bringing peace and love to those around you.

This is convoluted but it’s my brain. So. Don’t be a jerk, no matter your gender. Don’t be abusive. And if you see or someone points out jerky or abusive tendencies in you, listen. And if someone says someone else has hurt them, LISTEN.

Marriage is sitting on the same couch, carefully eating marshmallows out of a very noisy bag while trying to be quiet and reading the Bible, while your husband watches coding videos sped up because he’s gotta get that knowledge, but he’s gotta get it fast. So you know, we both have our quirks and I love this.

A little dinner with a relative you haven’t seen in 12 years. A little walk with your spouse and a camera. A little laughter with the kid next door. A little baking, a little loving, a little making, and all of these moments make my life so joyous.

And that’s really all that matters, to quote the lovely Jess Ray.

There are some days I struggle to understand that I am loved, not because people do not show me, but because something in my mind has been wired to look for the hidden meaning, to wonder if it’s a test, to assume the worst, to look for ill intent, all so that I can protect myself. Because I rely on me.

This is a realization I have only recently come to. And believe me, I am working on it. This issue is multi-layered and more complicated than just not trusting people.

My husband knows I’m working on this and he is the biggest supporter. In the midst of my intentional study and attempts to change the way I think, to begin to assume the best case scenario or at the least that people mean well, he completely surprised me.

He helped my sister and my best friend to come visit me for an entire weekend of birthday shenanigans to kick off 29. We had a lovely date night on Thursday, a peaceful morning on Friday, and then suddenly, at brunch, there are my girls! We had a whole day of exploring Sugarhouse, showing them the house and the local coffee shop, taking pictures and a lovely walk at the nearest park. A dinner and hours of goofy sing alongs at the piano bar, a late night of laughter and good friends. Saturday was a girl’s day, kicked off by sleeping in and having tea and sleepy morning conversations, followed by brunch, visiting my friend’s uncle, showing the girls Park City, meeting back up with my husband to eat dinner at one of our new favorite Mexican restaurants, then a late but relaxing night of braids, face masks, goofy shows and deep conversation. The next morning we rallied and my husband and I made us all breakfast and he made us mochas before we showed them our church and enjoyed worshipping and listening to a great teaching together. We introduced them to our Utah friends, we got lunch at Shake Shack, showed them Temple Square, The Gateway, and Liberty Park, and ended the day by having everyone, new and old friends alike, join us at home for pizza and crepe cake, amidst more deep and beautiful conversations with the most wonderful people that I love so dearly.

My heart is entirely full.

It’s hard to assume ill intent when everyone just went behind your back to see you smile.

My heart is so. Full.

“Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task. Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?)”

1 Timothy‬ ‭3:1-5‬ (NIV)

I came across this passage the other day. I’ve heard it several times, read it several times. I know it’s the right thing; it just makes sense. Of course this is what leadership should be. Those last few verses, though, stood out. A leader must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, doing so in a manner worthy of full respect. It caused me to recall many parents I had seen growing up, and even after I was grown.

So many parents have little to no control over their children’s behavior. Sometimes they don’t seem to care that their kids are running amuck, causing chaos. The parents I first thought of, though, were the ones who had such little say in their child’s behavior that at the first sign of disobedience or trouble, the screaming would begin. I mean the sharp shout, the deep voice, the way the child’s name is said with all the fury of hell kind of screaming. I wouldn’t say this is ever an okay way to speak to someone, except perhaps if you’d told them ten times not to run into traffic and they had done it an eleventh time. Even then, this is the kind of fearful anger that comes out when a parent knows no other way to cause their child to pay attention and listen. I have heard this voice used at the first sign of disobedience, at the first wayward step, the first pouty face. One wrong move and hell comes out.

This is not a manner worthy of full respect.

“If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?” So many leaders are burnt out by serving the church. So many leaders have sacrificed the sacred duty to their family in favor of what they feel is their sacred duty to the church. In reality, managing your family well, and not just to snap to and be perfect, but to be healthy and whole, to be godly because you have taken care of them in a manner worthy of full respect: that is your top priority, just under cultivating a rich and personal relationship with God to serve Him well.

Many people say the highest calling for a woman is to be a wife and a mother. In reality, the highest calling for a Christian is first to serve the Lord, then to serve your spouse if you are married, then to serve the family you build together, and lastly: to serve the church. This is the responsibility of both men and women, yes, but this passage in particular seems to be referring to men. Whether it is tending to each other in such love, in such Christ-like care that everyone cannot help but see the love of Christ around you, or it is tending to each other and your children so well, in such Christ-like love and proper teaching that everyone cannot help but see that you are healthy, that you are whole…this is the second highest calling for men and women called to marriage, but especially men. Whether children are there or not. Whether you serve at church or not.

And I think you should serve at church! But you should not step up to serve at church if you have not stepped up to serve at home. Live in a manner worthy of full respect. Love in a manner worthy of full respect. Live as Christ did, love as Christ does. Get your priorities in godly order. Then look into serving outside the home.

Today, I miss you. But today is still good. I’ll get up, I’ll feed the kitty, and I’ll pour myself a cup of tea. I’ve read the Bible and pondered Jesus’ kindness and savagery all in one. I will make some breakfast and share it with a friend, sleepily but happily ending our hunger. I’ll walk around our new state and see it from above, I’ll walk along the streets and see it from within. I’ll share our pretty city with a friend, and she’ll show me the best place to get a good root beer. We’ll enjoy the day lazily and happily. We’ll make more food, or maybe just more conversation. Today I needed to write. Today is a building day. Today is good.