Author Archives: leeriah

Sometimes being quiet is the loudest way to love.

It is so hard for me to learn this.

The Lord is gently and slowly teaching me how to love by being quiet. For too long, I have equated being quiet with being silent, when they are not the same. A gentle, quiet love does not shy away from speaking the truth. It just doesn’t shout and shove while it’s sharing.

I know it will still be difficult to learn, but I’m grateful I’m being taught how to do this. It fosters growth and love far more effectively than my silence or my shouts have ever done. It is not explosive or dramatic. It is steady and unwavering. Always there, always ready, always truthful, and always full of love.

Learning to love quietly in this way is so beautiful. But sometimes it is so hard. When I see articles about yet another example of the deeply twisted and cruel society we live in, I do not want to love quietly. I do not want to be calm and steady.

I want to scream.

And believe me, some of these posts will be screams.

But right now I am not called to scream. Right now I am called to learn, to love quietly, to gather my strength and to gather my understanding. Maybe then I will be called to scream. Maybe by then it will not be a scream but something so perfectly written that it cannot help but be heard.

God, my God, I hope so.

Because today I want to scream.

But I will sit. Quiet, still, learning, growing, and understanding my own power and gifts far better than before. Knowing them well enough to use them effectively without screaming.

Maybe.

I’ve always danced in the kitchen. When it was my turn to do dishes I’d set up the CD player and scrub the kitchen until it sparkled while I danced to my favorite songs. If it was my sister’s turn I’d dance to her music and try to hang out and annoy her as long as I could.

When I moved out with my best friend, we would show each other videos or play music that would get us dancing as we made our food together, always keeping each other laughing, always trying to annoy the other.

Now that I’m married, I still dance in the kitchen while I’m doing dishes or making food. Even when my husband is the one doing the kitchen work, I’ll sing along, dance, or try to catch him off guard with a silly song. I’ll goof it up in my loving quest to annoy him.

Being silly with him is one of my love languages. Being happy with him is the most natural thing in the world. Being free with him is the one of the most beautiful things I’ve experienced in this life.

And of course, there are the times we’ll work together. He’ll do the dishes while I dirty more and start the food. Or he’ll cook the rice and chop the onions while I start the biscuits and we both load the dishwasher. He’ll play a song he’s been thinking of all day, then I’ll play the one that’s been in my head, then we’ll both remember a throwback and add it to the list, collaborating and cooking in sync.

Sometimes, in the midst of the dicing and sautéing and dishwashing and song-playing, we will find ourselves suddenly and sweetly together, dancing in the kitchen, letting the water boil and the dishes sit.

I remember the first time he pulled me close, and we began to dance in the kitchen. My heart swelled with so much joy, so much love. There are a million things you look for in a partner, and a million more you don’t realize are so very important to you until suddenly: here are they are, or here they aren’t. That was a “here it is” moment. That place where hopes become reality, dreams lose their vaporous substance and you see them in sharp focus. It became so clear to me: the kitchen is where I have shared so much love. It is the place where good work collides with good company. The necessity of a good meal and clean home meeting with the blessing of a good soul with which to share it is a heavenly thing. I realized in that moment that I had always needed that in my partner: someone who would work joyfully with me in every kind of moment.

If we can dance while we make dinner, if we can sing while we dust, if we can find the joy and the love in the very little things, then we can do the same when tragedy finds us, when we build our family, when we move far from everything familiar, when we encounter every challenge life has to give.

After all, what is good food if not another expression of love? How fitting it is that the room in which we make sustenance for those we love is also the room in which we find our joy, find our footing to carry on, and decide to dance until the dinner is ready.

I think most of us can agree that a lot of our “purity culture” is pretty messed up. Years of trying to teach kids about the Biblical way to go about sex has ended up in twisted ideas of self-worth, disappointed or confused newlyweds, shallow friendships for fear of getting too deep, and so very very many adults choosing to toss the whole idea entirely once they realize the damage it has caused them and others.

Some of it sounds almost like it can make sense. If two papers are glued together and you pull them apart, they lose a piece of themselves and then they’re not quite the same. If I chew a piece of gum and then offer it to you, of course you don’t want it; it’s used, it’s dirty. If I unwrap your present before it gets to you, it loses some of its shiny appeal, doesn’t it?

But then you start to think about how deep those connotations go. Wait, am I a piece of paper? Am I piece of gum? When I give pieces of myself to one person, does that really make me undesirable to others? Does it make me lose some of my intrinsic worth? What if I have a piece of me ripped away? Does that still count? Am I now worthless?

Sure, it’s true that some people, regardless of their belief system, prefer that their spouse had waited and saved themselves entirely for them. It’s a beautiful gift, truly. But is it all your worth is tied up in, especially as a woman?

First of all, absolutely not. Especially as followers of Christ, we ought to know our value is intrinsic; we are full of worth because God created us in His image. That makes us valuable, that makes us beautiful. Nothing can render us “useless” or “worthless”. Period.

Secondly, the Church is trying to teach a Heavenly idea using Earthly logic. The idea of waiting until marriage to have sex is not because you depreciate like a used car, it is not because you will lose all sense of worth and purpose, and it is not because no one will want you because you’re dirty and old and used up. That’s so far from what God says. The truth is that saving yourself for marriage doesn’t make sense unless you have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Unless you truly care for the Lord. If you don’t, it’s really just a weird rule. Granted, sex is the most intimate and precious exchange of trust any two people can have, and that does carry with it an emotional weight whether or not anyone chooses to acknowledge it. But the idea of “saving yourself” is not simply so that you don’t get sad or don’t get attached, though those are good secondary reasons if you’re looking for them.

Sex is a strange and beautiful thing God created for us to enjoy. It brings us pleasure, it creates life, it fosters connection, intimacy, and a deeper love than anything else really can. It is, done properly, the highest form of trust, love, and vulnerability to share with another person. By those standards alone, you would want to make sure it’s a pretty special person at least. But why wait?

Not to sound trite, but, well…because of God. While He has good reasons for keeping sex as for-marriage-only, they are all reasons we can choose to ignore or decide to work through the emotional consequences of later. The truth is that if you care about the Lord, you want to honor Him and you want to obey Him, whether or not you always understand His rules. If doing as He says is a way to honor Him, then it makes sense to do as He says. Sex, the way God created it to be (within marriage), is, strangely enough, another thing created to honor Him. So doing it right is also honoring Him. I told you, this makes no sense unless you care about the personal relationship you have with Jesus Christ.

It’s hard to teach a relationship to people unless they’ve experienced it themselves. It’s hard to tell a person “you should do what my mom says because you love her” if they’ve never met your mom and, quite frankly, couldn’t care less about her. So instead of trying to show kids and teens the person of Jesus, instead of trying to share with them the beautiful relationship that can be had with them, we focus on the rules that will make it look like they have the relationship, the rules that will keep things tidy and save face, the rules that we hope will keep them out of pain and emotional turmoil, the rules they will eventually completely discard. And in focusing on the rules, we have somehow made something that is so beautiful and strange and God-honoring into this taboo, legalistic, dehumanizing set of ideas to wonder about and rebel against.

I know I’m not the first person to say “hey, maybe we should focus on introducing people to Jesus before we try to change their hearts and minds.” But um. Hey. Maybe we should do that. Purity culture has got a lot of us all tied up in fear and self-loathing, when sex should be a joyful, wonderful gift for both parties within marriage. It is not something he takes and she gives. It is not something she doesn’t want and he does. It is not where her worth comes from, and it’s not what makes him a man. It’s a gift for both partners to enjoy, to learn and grow in, and to give to each other, not to keep a tally of who’s worth less.

Anyway. Rant over. Let’s stop telling our girls to wear ankle length skirts or be responsible for their horny male peers sinning over them. Let’s stop telling our boys next to nothing about their own modesty. Let’s stop teaching modesty as if it’s all about clothing and not about a condition of the heart. Let’s stop teaching that someone has to lose and someone has to win in sex. Let’s stop teaching that it’s a burden and a conquest. Let’s stop being so weird and just teach the truth. Show kids who Jesus is. Let them see how your relationship with Jesus informs your life, changes your heart, and causes you to grow daily. Then let the little children go to Him, because it has to be their choice to make friends, doesn’t it?

Okay okay NOW my rant is over.

Hullo, world. I’m going to try something new here. I’ve done blogs before, but never quite like this. This will be a sort of public journal. If you care to read, you’ll get random thoughts, made-up recipes, serious musings, silly rants, pretty pictures, and anything else that may occur to me. Whatever is my cup of tea, if you will. Like a good cup of tea, writing is a beautiful way to bring calm and peace into chaos or busyness. So feel free to join me as I put on the kettle and grab a pen.

As much as I might say I dislike working at night, not seeing people at “normal person” times, as much as I get restless and want to move on to other things…I do enjoy this.

The night air with a hint of autumn chill, the breeze that brings with it the scent of gasoline, fallen leaves, fresh cut grass, and jet fuel. The moonlight and the stars, oh, the stars. The tower, a beacon of blue even in the most torrential downpour. Walking to get my coffee or my tea, saying hello to all the different airport natives, the men and women so close to adventure and yet so deceptively far, just like me.

But, this place IS full of adventure. You just have to step outside, take a little breath, slow down, and see it.

I am still here.

A push for independence turned learning curve, a car accident that totaled my parents’ car, personal melt-downs, family turmoil, lots of growing pains, a lot of prayer, and yesterday’s election…I am still here.

Hullo again, world.

Honesty time!
A few weeks ago, I believe sometime in late January, I JUST finished my last math credit for high school. Not cool that I was still doing it then, but VERY cool that I now have it done. I wasn’t that late because it was hard, either; I was late simply because I procrastinated.

But now that load is at last off my shoulders.
And I feel like now I CAN move forward. I still don’t know entirely what I want to do, but everything seems so much more attainable, so much more exciting, and a lot less like catch-up work. Which is a wonderful thing.

The youth at my church seem to be pulling together.
Or rather, I’m finally jumping on board and trying to be a part of things I formerly let fall away. I don’t quite know why. But I kept a sort of distance from the young people in my church. Except for my best friend. I wonder if I kind of thought they’d all eventually leave our church, and only my best friend would stay anyway? Anyway, I like them. They’re a very cool bunch of people. Cool things are happening. And big stuff is coming. Not from us. From God. Something’s brewing.

And I am so excited.

I spoke to my former coach the other day, and realized that I wanted to have a plan, something to tell her I was pursuing, because I wanted her to be happy with me. I told her I was moving towards photojournalism and columns, or some such combination like that. As I was saying it, I felt like a liar, a little. I AM interested in that, but I spoke of it as if I knew for sure. I think I shall indeed move in that direction, if not just to move in some direction, but I don’t know if that’s what I want to do for certain. I know you don’t have to be certain, either. I just wish I was a little more honest. Besides, she wouldn’t have been upset at me or anything. I put that notion of mine onto her.

Which brings me to my point of the day: being honest about where you are, what interests you, what you’re doing, what you want to do is a very good thing. Be honest with yourself and with others. There will be people who, basically, whether they mean to or not, shoot you or your ideas down. They probably have very good intentions, wanting you to make more money or do something that seems much more secure, but don’t take it personally. Focus on God and what He has put into you and pushes you toward. Because that’s where you’re supposed to be. Hey, maybe it’ll end up being something that people expect more than what you thought. But if you’re where God wants you to be, you’re where you fit in your side of the puzzle, and that’s where you will be happy, no matter if it’s “secure”, pays well, or is a commonplace job title or not.

My best friend, M, was visiting this past week and she got to stay with us for a good long five days. I took both jobs off, we went out with so many different people to catch up, to hang out, to eat good food and have good times.

And I realized, I rarely do this when she’s not here. I certainly go out, but not usually to hang out, to be poured into, to laugh and love with the people who love me right back. I’m usually going out with my family (which is a BLAST), going out to work, or going out with people that I love, but the friendship is more like a mentor or counselor than equals who can both pour out and be poured into by one another.

It was like dusting off my ability to socialize and have fun, free from the pressure to always have the words. It was really lovely. And I should do things like that more regularly. Pouring into others is great, definitely something we should all do when we can. But if I’m not being poured into by people as well as my King, then what do I have to give? I’m a lot happier when I’m maintaining these healthy friendships, truth be told.

And if I’m sticking myself into my own world, always working or counseling, then what am I doing to continue moving forward? So guys, pursue new things, yes. Work your butts off if you have to. But really. Make time for people. For friends. For fun. Because these things are just as essential as a clear direction, if not more so.

Listen to logic.
Listen to hope.
Listen to wisdom.
Listen to God.
Listen to your true wishes.

I’m serious, listen. And yes, listen when others are counseling you. Even if you don’t agree, do listen. Giving the courtesy of listening to them doesn’t mean you must take the path they say you should.

I’m a believer in the fact that, though money and having it is great, if one is happy and poor, they’re better off than someone else who is rich and miserable. You could be earning a million dollars a year by manually making grey cement bricks every day for 15 hours. It’s something you detest, but you have a lot of money.
Or you could be doing something like…I don’t know, painting. Maybe that is truly what makes you feel alive. And you get a decent little sum for work done, but nowhere near a fortune. And yet, living with what you need, making do, and doing what you love, you are happy. I truly believe there are desires and talents that God has put in us, for specific purposes. Providing for a family or even just taking care of yourself is definitely important, and good stewardship. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But we shouldn’t make securing the highest paying job our main goal.
I think that if we were truly seeking Him and truly doing what we found we loved, we would truly be right where we were supposed to be, regardless of how much money we made in being there. We would be most effective, we would be most happy, and we would be fulfilling the things God put into us from the start, I think.

**shrugs** Just my two cents.