Life is hard

But it’s beautiful too.

I’m stuck right now.

I’m not sure what’s happening.

But I know it’s really really hard.

And I know it’s really beautiful.

And I know I don’t deserve the deep goodness I am given.

But I know I don’t deserve the awful that has been dredged up.

I am somewhere in between, learning I am not a monster and learning that you are not the enemy. Any of you. None of you are. But sometimes you’re wrong. And sometimes I’m wrong. And usually we’re both wrong.

But I’m learning how to be wrong without jumping from “I’m wrong” to “I’m the worst”. They are two different things. But sometimes you can spend so much time trying to believe you’re not the worst, that you forget that sometimes you’re pretty bad. Not the worst maybe. But pretty bad. And that’s okay. But it’s certainly not great. It doesn’t mean you’re turning into anyone else. But it does shape you, when you decide how to handle it.

Just because you’re not the worst, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still stand against being kind of shitty. You might be so adamantly learning that you’re not the worst and so adamantly trying not to get hurt, so adamantly, ferociously, viciously determined to stand up for yourself at any inkling sign of something that might maybe possibly hurt you, that you’re the one doing the hurting.

You’re a crazed cat in a small space and claws are everywhere. It’s understandable. But you’re still scratching people. It’s still not okay. If you would sit still and listen long enough, you’d learn who wants to scratch you back and who just wants to help you out.

Yes, learn that you’re not the worst. That’s great. But also learn that you have claws. And that maybe in your attempts to correct the wrongs that have been done to you, you’ve made some very painful over-corrections, and a lot of people who love you are all scratched up. They get it. But you have the capacity not to do it.

So let’s take a deep breath and listen. Let’s observe. Let’s remember that we don’t have to assume we’ll be hurt and we can learn to trust the right people.

Okay?

Okay.